1. |
Roads
03:45
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The sun hasn’t come up yet
Oh how empty the streets flow
You’ve got green from here to 95
Are you feeling alive?
‘Cause those DC commuters are ruthless
And you’re on your own from here
Your girl, your parents, and friends they…
Well they live in the rear view mirror
And you wouldn’t have it any other way otherwise you would’ve stayed
The sun eclipsed by the asperitas
The signs don’t make much sense
You’ve got green to your right and your left
Ya feeling grown up yet?
Pennsylvania drags quite slowly
Those mountains ain’t fucking movin’
This grants time— time for me to miss you,
Or for me to never turn around?
And I wouldn’t have it any other way otherwise I would’ve stayed
…
This is
the scene change
I’ve been longing for
No staggered delay
Just pedals to the floor
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2. |
Losing Everyone
05:05
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8:49
Traipsing the pines this early’s giving off the feeling
That you’re still here
Straddle the line
Walking in stride I hope good times
will follow me through here
Oakfield and I
We don’t quite agree on the golden days
You open the blinds
And who’s there to greet, but that familiar gray
I want things to stay the same
When they ain’t
I’m scared
I never said I was prepared
For the sight of losing everyone
And now anything nostalgic has faded
I’m scared
And now I’m delving into despair
I swear to God I’m losing everyone
And now all the light I had has drawn vacant
I don’t know why
Why I decided to move out of state after all
But I’m still here
I miss you a lot
Like it or not, I never knew how much I loved you
’til you weren’t here
So what’s there to make
Of all of the change and the New York state?
Roll cigarettes
Or lay in the yard while I live sideways?
Or pray for the times to change
When they ain’t?
I’m scared
I never said I was prepared
For the sight of losing everyone
And now anything nostalgic has faded
I’m scared
And now I’m delving into despair
I swear to God I’m losing everyone
And now all the light I had has drawn vacant
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3. |
New York State
04:23
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Do you remember back in Alum Springs when you jumped the fence?
Yes I do
Pine trees crowding drunken loudness from a couple of kids who didn't know what the fuck they would do
Nostalgia's knocking on,
knocking on my door
She brings dozens of days in hammocks, a million more nights sleeping on the floor wondering
Why I can't stay
Why's it gotta change
Why can't I bring you to New York State
I'm never thankful for enough but I'm always wanting everything
Now I'm looking at a different view, the amber lit sky,
oh, how it reminds me of you
Hand rolling cigarettes I thought I'd quit
Singing old songs just to get the gist again
And that's just how I live:
a recluse
I'm so obsessed by mishappenings and not enough by the truth saying "it's okay, you're gonna make mistakes when you live alone in New York State!"
It's a ringing endorsement, but not too much for comforting
...
Did these walls just get closer?
I'm selfish
Recklessly
Contemplating wordings from the letters that I thought I'd send, but never will
I'm face in
The pavement
I'm staring at your bracelet: a memory from the window sill
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4. |
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Sunday came in bartering for my sins
In a gown of overcast and shifting moods
She trades forgiveness for whiskey and a fifth
She hopes that it’ll lure me out of my room
And yes she speaks
It ain’t been working for weeks
“It’s been better,” I admit to myself
As I circumvent the dark thoughts in my head
Singing “We can get up whenever we please.
“We can choose when we get out of our beds.”
Won’t you let me sleep?
Stop it with your comforting!
....
But then in the culmination of it all
I’m left aimless as I’m brandishing my pen
I’m running out of excuses not to love you
You’re no obstacle or enemy, you’re my friend
So tomorrow morning I’ll start by treating you fairly
Instead of smothering you in all of your mishappenings
You’re the only person that’ll never leave me
It’s more the truth than just sarcastic flattery
And so I sing:
“I’ll help you to help me.”
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5. |
I'm a Perfectionist
03:25
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Suffering days keeping temp as they’re scratching up the windows
I feel incomplete
When marking off the calendar’s the only thing that’s giving relief
I’m losing my face, slacking off as I stumble through reflections
I feel obsolete
When these bathroom tiles are the only alignment around me
I want everything at once and you said
“Is it only you and God?
How?”
Columns of three, somebody tracked in Virginia on the carpet
I reach for Autumn leaves
Yet wind up every time with the same old slabs of concrete
What happened to me? I’m freaking out as I’m sifting through the details
I see I’m incomplete
And seamlessly efficient in making things worse than they seem
I want everything at once and you said
“It’s only you and God.”
I want to pick up everything at once well
With everything I’ve got
Oh disarray you’re like the class pet that no one even wanted
I feel incomplete
And I’m running out of patience for the way that I think about me
You leave me at bay, stuttering through a lie that you invented
I feel incomplete
And that’s the way it’s been so it must be the way it’s gonna be
I want everything at once and you said
“It’s only you and God.”
I want to pick up everything at once
With everything I’ve got
Everything I’ve got
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6. |
Letters
03:40
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All my friends are living in different places
Some of which I couldn’t quite recall
Goddamn
While on jet lag, still arriving, I was closing my eyelids
In California thinking of New York
And the way things rearrange:
A year and change from mattressed floors
To winding up feet back on the ground
The strangers that became
The names I write these letters for
The shadows that loom over the sound
And you’re still smiling
All my are living in different places
Some of which I couldn’t quite recall
Goddamn
In those seven hours driving I was frequently reminded
Of Caleb starting fires in the forge
The trail of light illuminating
All the circles he was making
I was freaking out which he enjoyed
I guess he thought he was allowed
To burn the whole damn forest down
I screamed at him, “It ain’t a fucking toy!”
He kept on smiling
All my friends are living in different places
Some of which I couldn’t quite recall
Goddamn
Was it blockaded relations or foiled situations
That justified how I fell on the sword?
Well I am not a paragon
But you’ll be gone and I’ll be wondering
How I could’ve showed you that I loved you
I’ve decided from this moment on
To take on “everything at once”
And swing the door wide open for you
And I’ll be smiling
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7. |
Victoria
04:34
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Eggshell polish, long halls, and porcelain
Yet I feel the color you’re giving
Woke up fuzzy with my blood drawn
I’m a nervous wreck
Yet you still got me, you’re so giving
Victoria
The visiting hours fly quick
When I see ya
Your laughter makes the world make sense
One day I’ll follow you out
Haven’t had much of breakfast or medicine
Yet you’re still curing sadness with your gleaming
Daylight streaming through the lunch hall
The hospital can’t contain your spirit
You give patience
Victoria
The visiting hours fly quick
When I see ya
Your laughter makes the world make sense
One day I’ll follow you out
One day I’ll follow you out
One day…
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8. |
Canvas
05:00
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Rodger roving the canvas
I’m trying
To capture
Something ethereal
Something
Above all the sand in our blanket
I’m trying
To capture
Heaven with diction:
Simple acrylics
…
Night falls and crests fold inward
And all the words that I had are folding with them
So no more words
No more songs
It just makes sense— this evening painting
Is all I want
It just makes sense
You transcend all of the canvas
You transcend all of the canvas
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Rodger the Rover! Eau Claire, Wisconsin
RtR! was started by Brendan Dean in Buffalo, NY in summer of 2018.
He's not sure how he feels about that one new movie.
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